Turn 149 of 233

Tell her I'm excited to see them. Engage in my most strenous workout yet while Kimo continously crawls throughout the balcony

The phone is still warm against her ear and Lena says it before she thinks it and the saying is the truest thing she has said in weeks.

"I'm excited to see you, Mom." The line is quiet and the quiet is the quiet of Janet hearing something she has been waiting to hear and the waiting is over.

"We'll see you at seven, sweetheart. We love you." "I love you too." The words are there and the words are easy and the easiness is new and the new is the wish and the wish is hers.

The apartment is dark when Lena gets home and the balcony is warm from the day and the fan turns above the concrete and Kimo is on the blanket and the boy is awake and the humming is going. Lena sets the barbell in the rack — 515 loaded, the plates stacked clean — and stretches on the concrete and the stretching is the O-line stretching but deeper tonight, longer, the hips opening wider, the hamstrings pulling to their limit, the belly heavy on the floor and the tribal ink slick with the day's sweat. Tonight is not a normal workout. Tonight is the workout she has been building toward and the building is the building of a body that does not stop.

She starts with the press. 515 goes up and the going up is clean — the arms drive, the chest heaves, the barbell locked out overhead and the holding is three seconds and the three seconds are three seconds of 600 pounds of woman holding 515 pounds of iron over her head and the holding is the thing. She racks it. She loads more. 525. The bar bends and the bending is the bending of iron under a weight it was not designed for and the weight goes up and the arms shake and the shake is not weakness. The shake is the body at its edge and the edge is where Lena lives now. She racks it. 535. The press takes four seconds and the four seconds are the longest four seconds of her life and the barbell locks out and the lockout is not clean but it is locked and locked is enough.

She moves to squats. The rack holds the bar across her shoulders and the bar sits on the thick shelf of muscle and fat that has built over a year of pressing and the shelf holds. 500 pounds. The descent is slow — hips back, knees tracking, the belly pressing against the thighs, the breath held. The bottom is deep and the deep is deeper than she has gone before and the quads burn and the burn is the burn of a body that is being asked for everything. The ascent is a drive — heels through the floor, the mass moving upward, the glutes firing, the back straight. She does five reps and the five reps are five reps at 500 pounds and the last rep is the slowest and the slowness is the slowness of a body giving everything it has and having it be enough.

Between sets she looks over and Kimo is crawling. The boy is on the blanket and the blanket is the blanket from the site and the boy is lurching across it — edge to edge, the arms reaching, the legs pushing, the humming steady and loud. He reaches the edge and Lena puts him back in the center and the boy starts again immediately. The determination is the determination of a child who has learned that his body moves and the moving is the reason and the reason is his. She loads the bar again — deadlifts now, 600 pounds, the bar on the floor, the hands gripping and the grip is chalked and the chalk is white on the tribal ink. She pulls and the pull is the pull of 600 pounds off the floor and the body rises and the belly hangs heavy and the legs drive and the bar reaches the thighs and the lockout is a lockout and the lockout is held. Kimo crosses the blanket again and the humming gets louder and the louder is the louder of a boy who is watching his mother lift and the watching is the watching of a child who will grow up knowing what strength looks like.

She finishes with pushups. Not normal pushups — weighted pushups, a plate strapped to her back, 100 pounds added to the 600 she already carries. The descent is controlled and the belly touches the concrete and the concrete is warm and the ascent is the push of 700 pounds of woman and iron and the push is the push of a body that has been asked for everything tonight and has given it. She does twelve reps and the twelfth rep is the last and the last is the one where the arms shake and the shake is the shake of a body at the edge and the edge is where the body wants to be. She collapses on the concrete and the concrete is warm and the fan turns above her and the breathing is enormous — the lungs filling and emptying and the filling and emptying is the only sound besides the humming.

Kimo crawls to her face. The boy has crossed the blanket — four times tonight, maybe five, the laps are a blur now — and the boy's hand finds her nose and the fingers close on the piercing and the piercing clicks and the clicking makes the boy hum louder and the louder is the louder of a boy who has found his mother on the floor and found her face and found the thing that clicks. Lena lies on the concrete and the boy is on her chest and the humming vibrates through her sternum and the vibration is the vibration she knows and the knowing is the structure and the structure holds. Tomorrow her parents come and the coming is the thing she wants and the wanting is hers.