Turn 228 of 233

Skip the prep and keep playing the fugue game — let the evaluator see the real balcony

Lena does not clean the whiteboard. She does not stack the books. She does not rack the barbell or move the cooler or pick up the marker caps scattered across the concrete like confetti. The marker caps are the thing that is the Kimo-drawing-fast. The drawing-fast is the thing that is the play. The play is the thing that is the not-prep.

"We play tonight," Lena says.

Kimo looks at her. The looking is the thing that is the reading-her-face. He reads the decision in her jaw — the set of it, the thing that says she is done with the armor. The done-with-the-armor is the thing that is the new. The new is not the thing that is the reckless. The new is the thing that is the honest.

"The real is the thing that is the shown," Kimo says.

"The real is the thing that is the shown."

They play the fugue game. Kimo picks work first — three sets of five deadlifts at 175, the bar bending slightly under the 372 pounds of him, his back flat, his hips shooting at the right moment, the form the thing that is the textbook. Then Lena picks work — overhead press, 655 for three, the bar rising above her head, the 925 pounds of her planted on the concrete like a monument. Then play. Kimo draws on the whiteboard while Lena watches. He draws the fugue from the Bach book — four voices, each entering at the offset, the diagram dense and annotated in his handwriting, the letters careful and small. Then Lena picks play. She picks the tickling. Kimo laughs on the concrete, the 372 pounds of him writhing, the laughing the thing that is the real, the laughing the thing that is the unanalyzed.

The evaluator arrives Tuesday morning. She is a woman Lena has not seen before — mid-forties, glasses, a clipboard, a bag with testing materials. Her name tag reads Patricia Huang, DCF. She steps onto the balcony and the stepping is the thing that is the stopping. The stopping is the thing that is the seeing. The balcony is the thing that is the real — marker caps on the floor, whiteboard covered in fugue diagrams and biomechanical sketches, barbell loaded with 175 pounds from last night's deadlifts, Bach book open on the concrete, cooler with hard-boiled eggs and water bottles, two pairs of bare feet, two unwashed bodies, 925 pounds and 372 pounds of mother and son.

Lena is on the concrete. She is not standing to greet. She is not performing the professional-mother. She is sitting with her back against the railing, her belly resting on her thighs, Kimo beside her with the Bach book in his lap. The not-standing is the thing that is the choice. The choice is the thing that says: this is the real. The real is the thing that is the enough.

"Ms. Park?" Patricia Huang says. "I'm here from the Department of Children and Families for the comprehensive evaluation."

"I know why you're here," Lena says. "This is the balcony. This is where we live."

Patricia Huang looks at the whiteboard. The looking is the thing that is the long. She looks at the barbell. She looks at the books. She looks at Kimo. Kimo is looking at her the way he looks at everything — completely, with his whole body. The completely is the thing that is the not-performing. He is not performing the smart-child. He is not performing the well-adjusted-toddler. He is the thing that is the Kimo. The Kimo is the thing that is the sitting-with-a-book-in-his-lap.

"Hello," Kimo says. "You are the thing that is the outside-come-in."

Patricia Huang's pen stops above the clipboard. The stopping is the thing that is the not-knowing-what-to-write. The not-knowing-what-to-write is the thing that is the first-time. The first-time is the thing that is the not-the-usual-evaluator-experience.

"Kimo," Lena says. "Ms. Huang is here to see how you're doing."

"How Kimo is doing is the thing that is the good," Kimo says. He holds up the Bach book.

"This is the thing that is the fugue. The fugue is the thing that is the integration. Integration is the thing that is the many-becoming-one. Mama is the first voice. Kimo is the second voice. The offset is the thing that makes the weaving."

He stands. The standing is the 372-pounds-rising. He walks to the whiteboard. He picks up a marker. He draws — fast, certain, the lines connecting existing diagrams to new ones. He draws the root-foundation diagram he showed the last evaluator. He draws the fugue structure. He draws the connection between them — the foundation is the first voice, the structure above is the second voice, the offset is the thing that is the growing-up. The growing-up is the thing that is the integration.

"The foundation is the thing that holds without pushing back," Kimo says. He is talking to Patricia Huang but he is also talking to the whiteboard. His marker moves.

"The pushing-back is the thing that is the not-the-foundation. The not-the-foundation is the thing that is the wall. The wall is the thing that breaks. The foundation is the thing that does not break. The foundation is the thing that is the under."

Patricia Huang watches. She does not interrupt. The not-interrupting is the thing that is the listening. The listening is the thing that is the not-standard-evaluation-protocol. The not-standard is the thing that says the standard is the thing that is the wrong-tool. She watches for forty minutes. In the forty minutes Kimo shows her the Bach book, the whiteboard diagrams, the barbell, the exercise routine. He defines integration. He defines strength. He defines practice — practice is the thing that is the doing-the-doing-again. The again is the thing that makes the neural-pathway. The neural-pathway is the thing that is the integration. He defines under — under is the thing that is the holding-without-pushing-back.

Lena watches Patricia Huang watch Kimo. She sees the moment — the moment is the thing that is the three-quarters-through — when Patricia Huang's pen stops moving entirely. The pen stops because the pen is the thing that is the recording-instrument and the recording-instrument is the thing that is the inadequate. The inadequate is the thing that is the not-the-right-tool. The not-the-right-tool is the thing that Dr. Graves wrote in his report. The not-the-right-tool is the thing that is the pattern.

Patricia Huang sits on the concrete. The sitting is the thing that is the not-the-chair. She did not bring a chair. She sat on the concrete the way Lena sits on the concrete — legs crossed, clipboard on her knee. The sitting-on-the-concrete is the thing that is the choosing. The choosing is the thing that says: I will meet you where you are. Where you are is the thing that is the concrete.

"Kimo," Patricia Huang says. "Can you tell me what makes you happy?"

Kimo is quiet. The quiet is the thing that is the five-seconds. The five-seconds is the thing that is the thinking. The thinking is the thing that is the not-the-categorical. The not-the-categorical is the thing that says this question is not the thing that is the shapes-and-family. This question is the thing that is the other. The other is the thing that is the affective. The affective is the thing that is the feeling.

"The fugue game is the thing that is the happy," Kimo says. "The work hard is the thing that is the doing. The play hard is the thing that is the laughing. The laughing is the thing that is the not-thinking. The not-thinking is the thing that is the resting-in-the-doing. The resting-in-the-doing is the thing that is the happy. Mama is the thing that is the first voice. Kimo is the thing that is the second voice. The together is the thing that is the integration. The integration is the thing that is the happy."

Patricia Huang writes something on her clipboard. The writing is the thing that is the not-the-form. The not-the-form is the thing that says she is writing outside the boxes. She is writing in the margin. The margin is the thing that is the not-standard. The not-standard is the thing that is the real.

She stays for ninety minutes. The ninety-minutes is the thing that is the longer-than-scheduled. The longer-than-scheduled is the thing that says the scheduled is the thing that is the inadequate. Before she leaves, she looks at Lena.

"Ms. Park, I'll be submitting my report. I want you to know that what I've seen today is not what the complaint described."

"What did the complaint describe?" Lena says.

"I can't share that," Patricia Huang says. "But I can tell you it doesn't match what's on this balcony."

She leaves. The leaving is the thing that is the quiet. The quiet is the thing that is the after. The after is the thing that is the Lena-and-Kimo-on-the-concrete. The concrete is the thing that is the real. The real is the thing that is the shown. The shown is the thing that is the enough.

Lena looks at Kimo. Kimo is already back at the whiteboard. He is adding to the fugue diagram. The adding is the thing that is the new-voice-entering. The new-voice is the thing that is the Patricia. The Patricia is the thing that is the not-the-outside-anymore. The not-the-outside-anymore is the thing that is the maybe-the-not-the-threat. The maybe is the thing that is the waiting. The waiting is the thing that is the seeing-what-comes.

"Mama," Kimo says. "The outside-come-in is the thing that is the not-the-same-as-the-other-outside-come-ins."

"How?"

"The other outside-come-ins are the thing that is the testing. The testing is the thing that is the not-seeing. The Patricia is the thing that is the seeing. The seeing is the thing that is the not-testing. The not-testing is the thing that is the different. The different is the thing that is the maybe-good."

Lena breathes. The breathing is the thing that is the deep. The deep is the thing that is the letting-go-of-the-tension-she-did-not-know-she-was-holding. The not-knowing is the thing that is the body-carrying-the-cost. The cost is the thing that is the every-three-months. The every-three-months is the thing that is the cycle. The cycle is the thing that is the continuing. The continuing is the thing that is the today-was-not-the-break. The today-was-the-thing-that-is-the-not-the-break-but-the-maybe-the-shift. The maybe-the-shift is the thing that is the not-knowing. The not-knowing is the thing that is the okay.